Alt+Wine

The first post in a series intended for people who don’t really care about all this.

TERROIR: a french word meaning “of the land” commonly used to describe a sense of place in a wine.

You’ve heard the word before: terroir. Or maybe you haven’t. Who cares? It’s a term commonly bandied about by the douchefolk that introduce themselves as “wine aficionados” as well as by people who are not douches but sometimes sound like they are.

Since the definition above is pretty useless, in order to understand terroir think about dialects for a minute. When you hear someone speaking with an accent, you can immediately tell where they are from just by listening to them - assuming you’re familiar with the accent.

If someone were to say the word “yard” and it sounded like “yaaaahhhhhd,” you’d know that person was probably from around Boston. Lots of people that are from Boston have a similar accent, so if you know what it sounds like, you can identify those folks and call their fair city “Beantown” and repeat the phrase “Haaaaahvaaaaahd Yaaaaahhhhd” over and over until they leave your immediate vicinity. Or punch you. Depends on which part of Boston they’re from.

Anyway, it’s the same with wine. Basically. Terroir is like an accent wines carry with them that tells you where they are from. Much like people and dialects, terroir is developed during the growth stage of life. Certain conditions in the weather, soil and climate of a place will impart similar characteristics in the scents and tastes of wines from a region. For example, red wines grown in the Paso Robles region of CA are known for being very bold and almost always smelling a little like violets. (True story.)

So the next time you hear or read someone discussing terroir in a wine, make a quick mental reference to the Jersey Shore and there you have your “sense of place.”

Or don’t. I don’t care.

Despite a protracted publishing break, the Alt+Wine love for the infamous Vampire V. at WickedWinesOnline.com is eternal so we’re back to recount his latest exploits.

He’s gone a little merch-heavy on this one, including only 3 bottles of his second favorite beverage. However he is including a bunch of branded glasses, stickers, and my personal favorite: VAMPIRE DELIVERY. All this for only $149.95

Unfortunately, he’s stopped writing about his romantic and timeless exploits in the product description section, so we’ll just have to fill in the blanks ourselves.

One day I’ll order one of his eternally delightful packages. Until then, however, I’ll be admiring the mysterious V. and his marketing acumen from afar.

Well, readers, here it is. The Twilight New Moon Wine Package. For only $139.95 you can have it all and the infamous V will deliver it for free.

I have to say, I was a bit disappointed in the write-up, as the last one was FAR more romantic. 

Not many people know about all the clones used in winemaking. While it would certainly be an interesting ethical dilemma if I was talking about HUMAN clones, I’m not. I’m talking about grapes. FRUIT CLONES, PEOPLE.

When (ok, let’s be honest, IF) you hear someone talking about grape clones again, just know this: grape clones are cuttings from an existing vine that share identical genetic information.

In this way, you can look at grapes like dogs (bear with me). Dogs are all one species - so are most winegrapes (vitis vinifera). Then there are breeds of dogs, like German Shepherd Dogs - and there are varieties of grapes, like Pinot Noir. Now, imagine if you cloned a German Shepherd named Bruce - you would have an exact copy of Bruce’s likes and dislikes, his behavior, his proclivity to chew your shoes, the scratching-spot on his belly that makes him thump his leg, you get the idea. If you had the ability to raise Bruce’s clone (we’ll call him Bruce II) in the exact same environment as Bruce, they would be exactly the same. Now, there’s no way you could produce exactly the same environment for Bruce II - it’s impossible - but you can try. And because it’s Bruce II, you will have a pretty good idea of how he’ll react to things.

It works the same with grapes. Grape clones have the same “behavior” as their original genetic bretheren - they respond well to the same weather conditions, soil make-up, are susceptible to the same pests, have similar flavor profiles, etc. However, just as it’s impossible to create an environment that is exactly the same for Bruce and Bruce II, it’s just as difficult to do so when growing grapes.

So with clones, you you have a general idea of how they will react and an understanding of what they CAN be, but there is almost no way to make them truly identical to the original (as anyone who has seen THE ISLAND and lived to tell the tale could tell you).